Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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