I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
