I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
