I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize