***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
