How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
