how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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