i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize