she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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