Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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