Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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