Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ketchup is God's man juice
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
