and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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