I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
