How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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