My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
