Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
