Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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