So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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