John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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