woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
