When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
