I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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