I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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