I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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