I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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