i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
We're too hungover to prance.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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