Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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