News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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