I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
