Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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