I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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