Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
