I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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