while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
