Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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