i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
