no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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