ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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