I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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