my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
