i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize