if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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