I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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