getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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