omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize