I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
