I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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