Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
