I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
