dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
