they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Holy sore nipples Batman
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
