at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
