I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
