so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
