I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
