My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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