my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
