i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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