I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
sarcasm needs its own font
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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