You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
