I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
