I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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