I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize