Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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