I will die if light touches me.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
